Jokes

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

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HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, ‘'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said,”Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me, finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

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01.If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? (weird).
02.When dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought).
03.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd).
04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking).
05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows).
06.Can you cry under water? (let me try).
07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else).
08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows.)
09.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell).
10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes).
11.What does OK actually mean?.
12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch).
13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed).
14.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments).
15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help).
16.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes you can).
17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it).
18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically).
19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I didn't had a chance to try).
20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice).
21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?).
22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).

Tool - Vicarious

The talent in this video is tremendous.

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Check out Iowa City should outlaw alcohol possession for everyone - The Daily Iowan

Check out Iowa City should outlaw alcohol possession for everyone - The Daily Iowan

In Spite of You

How could I make those steps daily
Without you telling me I will fail
How could I consider my life my own
WIthout you trying to take it away
I am stronger with you breathing down my throat
It gives a sense of urgency to escape
Tell me again how hopeless I am
Lights the fuel to succeed

Just to prove you wrong
Live my life each day
Hoping to never lose the will
To succeed and prosper in spite of you!

All those times you stepped on me
You told me it was a waste of time
I could sense your apathy
You didn't want me to rise unless you were still looking down
So all these years of being pushed
Time is mine to push back
Cannot mention any others
This is about redemption for my sins

Clear the Slate...

Editor's Note - the video in question was removed from youtube.com so it is no longer available for your viewing pleasure.
 
Without a doubt, if you are a Metallica fan, you need to spend time on this page, but you should probably clear your slate of things you want to do, like update your blog.

Back soon.