Tribute

I received this email:

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I just released this music video/tribute to my grandfather who died 11/28/2016 and I wanted to share it with you. Thanks for your time, hope you enjoy it🙏

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IG: @ConnRaney
www.facebook.com/connraney
Twitter: @ConnRaney

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After I watched the video below:

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I wrote this back to Conn:

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I did enjoy it. I was very close to my grandma, who passed away on Apr 23, 2006. I understand what your lyrics are talking about - it feels like Grandma is with me during the things I do every day, both in visible & invisible wa[ys]. Visibly, I am reminded of her every day at work. On my desk, I have an ash tray that I used to play with & spin when I would visit her house – it’s where my keys go each day when I come to my cubicle. Even though my grandfather passed away when I was in kindergarten and I don’t really remember him before he became too sick to get out of bed, I have something of his to remind me each day as well. His last name was “Simons” but I have a gold pen holder in the shape of a railroad spike that he got from his employer – he worked for various railroads in the Midwest region – and on the railroad spike it says “Leo Simmons” – which I think is ironic because it’s a typo & my day job is working as a technical writer – so I’m all about finding & correcting typos. I lost my mother on Dec 29, 2014. I have a page on my blog about both my grandma & my mom on which I wrote my tribute to my mom: https://prhmusic.blogspot.com/p/mom.html

As far as your actual video, it’s kind of funny – I paused Metallica’s “Breadfan” to listen to your video. I wanted you to know that I have been where you are in your grieving process. Sometimes I watch videos from bands and artists and it doesn’t take any effort to dismiss what I heard and move on. After I watched your video, I wrote this email to you and I spent ~15 minutes trying to get the words right, which makes me think of your video where you’re trying to write and the words seem inadequate so you start over – I was like that as I wrote you this email.

I will remember you & your grandfather in my daily prayers.

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Alzheimer's

Good article, but the title is not my current situation - my dad doesn't have Alzheimer's Disease. My mom had some type of dementia / Alzheimer's, which is why I wanted to remember this article in the future.Searching for an Alzheimer’s cure while my father slips away

10 Questions to the Future Version of My Self

Today is Saturday, 12/6/2015. Last night, at the Big Ten Championship game in Indy, the MSU Spartans defeated the Iowa Hawkeyes 16-13 in a devastating loss. The 2015 season was the one during which Iowa was 12-0 going into that game and now, today, they play MSU at Kinnick Stadium. I have zero doubt that last night's game has been hyped as either when Iowa began a magical period of dominance or when they began a slide into mediocrity. All I know is that when 2017 rolls around, the players that played quarterback for MSU and Iowa will not be playing. MSU's quarterback was a 5th year senior and, unless there's been an injury to Iowa's quarterback, C.J. Bertherd graduated in May 2017 and is not playing a 5th year. Sure, the running back that scored the winning touchdown last night is, in 2015, a freshman which probably means he is a junior at MSU today in 2017. I'm sure the fans in Kinnick Stadium will not forget last night's loss and they will make the stadium as difficult to play in as they possibly can today.

The 10 questions the 12/6/2015 version of me wants the 9/30/2017 version of me to answer are:

1. Are you going to the game today and whether the answer is yes or no, I want to know if  Kinnick Stadium is still located where it is in 2015, which is directly across the street from UIHC? Bonus question: is there any talk of relocating Kinnick Stadium or building a larger capacity stadium?
• Me in 2017 says:
• No, I am not going to a game at Kinnick Stadium today. The game today is at MSU in East Lansing. Kinnick Stadium is still located where it is in 2015, directly across from UIHC and no, there is no talk of relocating Kinnick Stadium or building a larger capacity stadium. There is a brand-new football facility building that is located near the existing Kinnick Stadium and there are multiple projects to enhance Kinnick Stadium that were done during summer 2017 with more planned after the season. Additionally, the Children's Hospital was built overlooking Kinnick Stadium and at the first game of the season, a new tradition began where the fans turn and wave at the kids in the hospital who are watching the game. Kinnick Stadium is likely going nowhere in my lifetime.
2. I work at Pearson on North Dodge Street in Iowa City. The discussion about my future plans are up in the air, unfortunately. It is unknown if I will be a part of the restructuring, about which I know no details about today. Where did I go to work yesterday (Friday, 9/29/2015) and is that the same employer I will go to work at on Monday, 10/2/2017? My hope is that on this day in 2017, the next line says "Pearson. Duh."
• Me in 2017 says:
• Well, no. I was laid off from Pearson on Tuesday, January 26, 2016. I am now a Senior Technical Writer at HCIS.
3. I expect that Karen and I will have been married for 24 years with only 311 days (or 10 months, 1 week, 1 day) until our 25th wedding anniversary. What are you purchasing for her 25th anniversary present?
• Me in 2017 says:
• For many years, Karen and I talked about going to Hawaii for our 25th wedding anniversary. The reality is that we have both kids in college at UNI, which means college tuition is a focus point for us when it comes to finances. At this point, the joke is that we may make it to Riverside Casino if we do not make it to Hawaii. I have no current plans to go to Hawaii in 2018.
4. The discussion about our plans for the Tuesday of this week are chaotic. Our agenda includes things like having Lowe's look at our new washer because of a clunking sound we hear when it is running (the washer we have today in our house is the one we purchased at Lowe's in November 2015), getting Karen to Alex's ortho appointment at 4 to ask the orthodontist about what happens if a bracket is damaged during his scheduled oral surgery on 12/23/2015 (17 days away), me teaching Zach Burkle a drum lesson at 5, Alex working at Fareway at 6 PM and Holy Day Mass for the Immaculate Conception also at 6 PM. What are the plans for Tuesday, October 3, 2017?
• Me in 2017 says:
• First of all, I don't know why I thought the Holy Day Mass for the Immaculate Conception would be on a Tuesday in October - I must have wrote these questions across a period of time because 17 days from September 30 is never going to be 12/23/2015! Secondly, Alex doesn't have braces anymore. I don't teach drum lessons to Zach Burkle. C, Karen and I have an empty nest so we pretty much go by what we want to do. There is a UNI football game on Saturday so I imagine we will be preparing in some way to head north to Cedar Falls.
5. Alex is a freshman in college. On 12/6/2015, the discussion about his future plans revolved around beginning either a 2 year IT degree at Kirkwood in fall 2017, followed by 2 years of online classes to complete his B.A. degree at UNI or beginning 2 years at UNI to be followed by a 2 year IT degree at Kirkwood. What is he studying in college and which college does he attend?
• Me in 2017 says:
• The 2 + 2 program that Kirkwood offers was not a good option for him. Alex is a freshman at UNI with a Management Information Systems (MIS) major.
6. Megan is a junior in college. On 12/6/2015, the discussion about her future plans revolved around completing her degree in elementary education at UNI - tentatively graduating in May 2019. What is she studying in college and which college does she attend?
• Me in 2017 says:
• Megan is an Elementary Education major with a Mathematics minor. She is a junior. It is still undecided exactly when she will do her student teaching.
7. Mom passed away on 12/29/2014 so it is now 1006 days (2 years, 9 months, 1 day) since she was breathing in her room at Mercy Hospice in Cedar Rapids. How do I honor her as my mom over 1000 days after her death?
   
   • Me in 2017 says:
   • I honor Mom by trying to be a good person, which I think she tried to be. I also honor Mom by supporting Megan in her pursuit of being a teacher.
8. When was the last day and time that you saw Dad and Mark? In 2015, I am not using the word "alive" in this question on purpose.
• Me in 2017 says:
• Dad: MM/DD/YYYY
• Mark: MM/DD/YYYY
9. My 5 favorite bands are:
1. Bayside - saw them in October 2015 with Chris Motter in Des Moines
2. Metallica - currently recording an album
3. Count the Stars - broken up for several years but still adore "Never Be Taken Alive"
4. Five Finger Death Punch - saw them in October 2015 with Alex in Cedar Rapids
5. Shinedown - saw them in August 2015 with Alex in Davenport
• Me in 2017 says:
• There's really not a band that has overtaken the above 5 bands since 2015. 
1. Bayside - touring in support of the 10th anniversary of "The Walking Wounded" as well as released a CD, Vacancy in August 2016.
2. Metallica - saw them in concert on Friday, June 10th, 2017, in Newton, IA, with Volbeat & Avenged Sevenfold.
3. Count the Stars - fairly regularly, listen to them.
4. Five Finger Death Punch - fairly regularly, listen to them.
5. Shinedown - fairly regularly, listen to them.
10. I spent some time on 12/6/2015 organizing my 1000ish cassettes into groups for a pending conversion project to MP3. I have not scheduled any dates for this project - when to begin, milestones/goals, or when I hope to be complete. Have I started this project and, if so, when did I begin, what are the milestones/goals I established for it, and when is the target completion date? While the idea of having a page on this blog that is dedicated to this cassette to MP3 project it has not yet been created. If it exists in 2017, this is the link to that page. Otherwise, my answer is:
• Me in 2017 says:
• Unfortunately, the cassette to MP3 conversion project has been pushed off indefinitely. I am currently converting my 50 spindles x 100 CDs to MP3 because of an April 2016 EHD crash.

From the Deep Archives on my EHD...

These were taken on the day Mom passed.

CR Donutland Jumps on Board with Credit Card Payments

From the Cedar Rapids Gazette:

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If you're picking up some doughnuts to make it through the morning, one more place now accepts plastic -- finally. Donutland at 4307 Center Point Rd. NE in Cedar Rapids has taken the leap into the world of credit cards, reports The Gazette. "The dinosaur has come out," store owner Vicki Zinkula said of the decision that's been a long time coming. The shop that has been a mainstay at that location since 1971 had been resisting the use of plastic as a form of payment because businesses pay a merchant fee when customers use a credit card as payment -- a fee that would have been passed back down to the customers. But customers who didn't have cash or time to write a check were often bypassing Donutland for nearby shops that accepted plastic. At the urging of customers, employees and even her own family, Ms. Zinkula finally bit the bullet late last year. All major credit cards are accepted and Ms. Zinkula is planning on raising prices to cover merchant fees.

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I remember going to the Donutland on Center Point Road many times with Mom. It's embarrassing to say but Mom would go out for breakfast pretty much every morning, M - F. If I ate breakfast at home, it was rare. We would either go to the Spring House or to Donutland. Even into high school, I would go with my teammates after swim practice to eat breakfast at that restaurant. I think the customers who asked for the store to accept credit cards should never - ever - complain about the increase in price. How long have credit cards existed and how many years did Donutland resist their acceptance? It doesn't matter much because the reason they didn't accept credit cards is because it would cause an increase in price.

Forever the Princess

Today, December 29th, 2016, is the two year anniversary of Mom's passing. 

And today, on that anniversary, another family is dealing with the pain of losing a loved one. For one family, it doesn't really matter that the two women who passed away were Hollywood icons. I can only imagine the pain for Fisher's family must be intense. Carrie Fisher passed away on December 27th at age 60 and, one day later, Debbie Reynolds, her mother, passed away the next at age 84.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but on-screen, I don't know what the Star Wars franchise does now, with 2 of the 6 core members of the "heroes" no longer available. They are left now with Chewbaaca, Luke Skywalker, R2-D2, and C-3PO. Sure, the franchise is about the Skywalker family, but Luke's role in Episode VII amounted to a cameo at the end of the movie. I'm fairly certain Princess Leia is in "Star Wars VIII," which has already wrapped up shooting for its December 15, 2017, release.


I had considered not including the above paragraph in the same post as "announcing" the death of Fisher and Reynolds until I saw how, in this day and age of being politically correct, it seems as though others are being equally insensitive. I do recall seeing Steve Martin and Carrie Fisher together over the years and, after posting a tribute to his friend, Martin has taken a bullet for this tweet:
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"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She turned out to be witty and bright as well,"
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Martin, 71, then deleted the tweet but not before others saw it. One reaction was this:
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"Seriously @SteveMartinToGo quit being such a jerk for thinking Carrie Fisher was beautiful and saying so on the occasion of her death."
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Martin quickly deleted the message and declined to pen another post about the late actress.

I'll pass on discussing whether Martin's comment is sexist (it's not) and let the world mourn.

Editor's Notes:

• For more information about Carrie Fisher and her role in Episode VIII, refer to All of Carrie Fisher's scenes have already been filmed for 'Star Wars: Episode VIII'
• For more information about why fans adored Carrie Fisher, refer to these 17 Carrie Fisher Quotes That Will Inspire Your Success and Happiness. 
• For more information about Debbie Reynolds' death, refer to Debbie Reynolds dies one day after daughter Carrie Fisher passes
• For more information about the deleted tweet, refer to Steve Martin Deletes Tweet About Carrie Fisher After Backlash — Read What He Wrote. 
• For more information about Steve Martin being crucified, refer to Steve Martin's tribute to Carrie Fisher deemed 'sexist'

Party House

Where is Manville Heights? No, it's not a Chicago suburb. It's the name of a neighborhood in Iowa City. The neighborhood is organized - there is even a "president of the Manville Heights Neighborhood Association" - Karin Southard - who spoke at the Iowa City City Council meeting last night. The neighborhood is distraught because the proposed Kinnick Stadium replica house at 101 Lusk Ave was approved at a previous meeting. They fear it will simply be a "party house" and are digging up all sorts of excuses for why the house should not be built - read more about it here.

Thinking about the concept of a party house made me think about the "party house" I used to drive past when I would go see Mom at the care facility in Cedar Rapids. I have really no idea whether it actually is a "party house" or not. I have no idea who even lives in the house but, on one of the trips to see Mom, I said to Megan, "That's a party house." The house is on a corner and to be very honest, I don't even think I can give directions to it - driving past it was simply part of the route to see Mom. It is a gorgeous house from the outside. It looks as though it would be big and spacious inside. On the second floor, there's a large deck with tall patio table and chairs and, if I think more about it, is why I described it as a "party house" - I think I saw empty beer bottles on that table when we drove by that day. 

A party house is not where I grew up. If anything, it was the most anti-party house you can imagine. Mom didn't drink; Dad didn't drink in front of us. Mom's brother, Jim, was an ex-Marine and always was a mean ol' cuss to myself. I didn't really know him. He passed away in 1997. Anyways, whether it was rooted in reality or not, Mom believed that Jim's drinking caused the end of his first marriage. Because of that guiding principle, Mom would get upset with me if she knew or even thought I was drinking booze. This guiding principle is what caused me to be grounded as a sophomore in college because I came home from Ken's wedding, drunker than snot, with muddy pants. I know I've described this incident elsewhere on this blog so I won't drudge it up today.

Back to the Manville Heights neighborhood, I understand both sides of the story. On one side, land was purchased by someone who lives not in Iowa City so a house can be built for when the someone comes to Iowa City to attend an Iowa game at Kinnick Stadium. On the other side, the neighbors like living in the area where they live. Personally, I think it would be hilarious if the someone got the house built, invited the neighbors over, and then photos of the neighbors - with a beer in their hand - were posted on Facebook. I think that would be really funny to see.

Software Patch and My Sickness Diagnosis

I think about Mom and my future when I read articles about memory retention like this one: http://time.com/4304589/memory-picture-draw/ because I've realized that I retain memories because of my sickness. My self-diagnosis is that I have Journalitis (tm). is the compelling fear of not writing about life in a journal. A journal can be a blog, a fancy journal I see at Target - they don't have enough pages for me - or a 200 page college-ruled spiral notebook (my preference). The end result is simply a collection of memories.

On this blog, I have composed details about my 10 year, 24 x 200 page notebook project. As a brief refresher, I began this project on 1/1/2012 and will finish this project on 12/31/2021. Though I have not begun planning (or purchasing notebooks for it), it has crossed my mind to undertake a second 10 year project, which would begin on 1/1/2021 and finish on 12/31/2030 and then a third project to begin on 1/1/2031 and finish on 12/31/2040. I would be 71 years, 3 weeks, 6 days when that third project ended. On top of that, I would have 72 200 page college-ruled notebooks and at least 14400 pages if I only count the front of the page. If I count the back as well, it becomes 28,800 pages. The cure for Journalitis is purchased with death.

Until my death, I must write.

Until my death, I cannot NOT write.

Until my death, I must fill notebooks upon notebooks with my words.

If I don't, I am discombobulated and distressed.

I rely on the ability to write, the assembling and mechanic action of seeing the image in my head on paper or on a screen. Perhaps I have replaced booze with writing as a coping mechanism for the trials of life.

All of this is being dredged up because I have zero doubt I am very much like Mom. She was a writer. I sometimes have wondered if she kept a journal. If so, I haven't found it. It would not surprise me to find her journal, tucked away in the house I grew up in and that Dad still lives in. Many of the words I wrote in high school papers that earned a good grade can be attributed to her editing. She helped me with so many assignments, crossing out words, rephrasing sentences, and adding new thoughts for me to flesh out my thesis. Later in life, Mom's dementia was difficult for me to watch. As I have mentioned, Mom spent 40 years in the Cedar Rapids education system, teaching kids to communicate and in her final years, she couldn't. I openly admit that it is my fear of forgetting that motivates me to feed my Journalitis with continuous writing. I fear forgetting the memories I write about before I die.

In fact, if pressed, it's my worst fear. It's a fear greater than spending the last years of my life without Karen. It's a fear best described as that I will spend my final years in a locked dementia unit. Being a lot like Mom scares me. She had to be in one because she walked out of the first facility she was in and was unable to return. The second and third facilities required entering a code to enter the part of the building where she had her bed and dresser. Many pages in my journal are rich with descriptive essays about the parallels between where she lived and a prison.

As far as whether or not she has a journal tucked away, it would be very interesting to me to understand her motivation for doing and saying what she did when she was alive. I suppose the motivation for doing and saying what I say could be tied to the journals I keep. Now that I wrote that sentence, I'm thinking about its validity. After I'm dead, maybe my kids will read what I wrote and realize that the sum of my actions and words in my journals is far greater than the sum of what I did and said. The lesson I hope to teach is that some ideas are best left on a college-ruled piece of notebook paper in a bookshelf in a den with 23 other notebooks surrounding it.

79

Mom would be celebrating her 79th birthday today.

Immortal No More

Mom died a year ago today. A year later, I miss her. I often meditate about death. It never ceases to amaze me how final, how permanent, death is.

I remember sitting with Mom. One minute, she was breathing, and then she wasn't. The challenge for me has been to not allow myself to make Mom's death the all-consuming event in my life - a black hole, if you will - into which all of my energy is sucked into without ever letting go. Of course I miss my Mom and of course I wish she were here.

Treadmill Set Too Fast and I'm not Going to Run

If I were to attempt to keep up with all the 2016 presidential campaign events and stories, I would need to write this blog full-time. That's not happening. Thus, I'm free to pick out only those events and stories that interest me.

On the Republican side, there's Donald Trump. I can't really see him as president of the country, but I do think a lot of what he says makes sense. No, not the stuff about all Muslims are bad people and that they should be rounded up and shipped out. I like the talk about having a secure border and about having a process by which if you want to come into America, you follow the rules. Period. If you don't follow the process, you can be called "illegal immigrants" and you can be sent back on your dime, not mine. I also think that he gets in trouble with his mouth and says things that are not nice. I think sweeping generalizations are a bad thing and Trump should cease making statements like "all Muslims are bad." Read more about Donald Trump here.

Before moving to the other side of the aisle, I want to write about my personal experience with hearing a specific sweeping generalization and then having that cloud my opinion of people with a specific character trait. For me, it wasn't Muslims. It was heavy metal fans with long hair. Let me explain. When I was in high school, Iron Maiden was playing a concert at the Five Seasons Center (now called the US Cellular Center) in downtown Cedar Rapids. For reasons I don't remember, I was at a (now closed) restaurant called Gringo's across the street with my mother. When she saw all the Iron Maiden concert attendees walking towards the door, she made a negative comment about people with long hair. It was the type of comment that I carried with me and made people with long hair intimidating to me to the extent that I thought they were all mean people. Of course, not every person with long hair is mean. It was easier to follow the intent of what my mother said to me and to make judgments about people than to approach a heavy metal fan with long hair and find out about that person.

On the Democrat side, there's Hillary Clinton. There are websites dedicated to documenting the lies she has told. At the Democratic debate on Saturday night, she apparently tole more, per this article. The other day, I read about how Politifact was debunking another claim she had made about videos of Trump being shown to recruit ISIS members, per this article.

I realize that lying is sometimes a matter of perspective. Ben Kenobi proved this when he explained that when he said that Darth Vader had betrayed and murdered Luke's father, it was true from a certain point of view. I get that. I don't get it when you knowingly say words that you know in your heart are not true. Was there ever really any evidence that a video had caused the Benghazi attack, when she said these words below? What about when she said that it wasn't a video to some people in her emails, which contradicted what she said publicly? Is that lying or is that telling people a portion of what they need to know? I don't have the answers.

Before ending this post with the video of Clinton's speech, I can think of several examples where lying would have benefited me. In all phases of my life, from youth to adulthood, telling a lie instead of the truth may have caused tears to not fall, anger to not explode, friendships to not flourish, better relationships with those around me, and quite frankly, changed the path I have followed in my life. Lies I have told, especially to myself, are the most damaging, especially when my actions followed the path laid out by the lie instead of the truth.

Here's the speech Clinton made.

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PP in Trouble

My father and I went to make arrangements for my mother's funeral last December. One of the stories I find myself telling is that my father wrote a check as a deposit on that day. Then, on the night of Mom's wake, one of the first things Dad did was to seek out the business office so that he could write a second check for the balance of the funeral expenses. When this happened, I was somewhat mystified about why Dad was doing what he was doing. It wasn't until I was telling this story to my co-worker, Matthew, and hearing his perspective did it make any sense. Matthew's perspective was that Dad was trying to control what he could control. What I find myself saying is that Dad couldn't control that he was at the funeral home and that his wife of 50+ years had passed away, but he could control that he had an outstanding balance on his bill and he could control when and how it was to be paid. In a strange way, the actions of Dad and Matthew's interpretation of the situation has become tenets, or guiding principles, for how I've been trying to live my life since Mom died. I am trying my best to focus on what I can control and to let go of the things in life that I cannot control. For example, I can control my reaction to other people's words and deeds. I cannot control the weather or how long I am going to live. Sure, I can do some things to assist me in living longer. I am unlikely to douse myself with gasoline and run around with matches today - I can control that. I cannot control if a car is going to strike me down as I cross a street or if a bolt of lightning is going to core my body.

That all said, I find myself somewhat divided about how to deal with Planned Parenthood. On one hand, from reading this article and this article, it seems that life is not being considered to be precious. I've read a list of businesses, including Pepsi and Coca-Cola, that are in some way tied to Planned Parenthood and, in the same article, it suggested that I not patronize those businesses. Well, I just drank two 20 oz Mountain Dew Live Wire bottles and yes, Pepsi bottles Mountain Dew. Perhaps the obvious choice is to simply stop drinking Mountain Dew because my consumption in some minor way impacts the ability of Planned Parenthood to perform their services. But it's really difficult to fathom my world without Mountain Dew. Or a Coke, like I had at Tony Roma's (a restaurant in Dubuque) last night with my cheeseburger. My challenge for today is to find a way to be stronger and to take personal responsibility for my actions and how those actions impact the causes I believe in.

Mom's Obituary

http://thegazette.com/obituaries/catherine-hanson-20141231-0001053415-01

RIP at 4:04

Mom passed away peacefully at 4:04 PM yesterday. We are meeting with Cedar Memorial today at 10 and, since it's 8:41 and we're leaving at 9:15, I need to make this brief.

I was able to say goodbye to Mom and I feel at peace.

Peaceful

Cremation & the Body

I'm going to get personal. This isn't meant to be a post that is uncomfortable to read, but it may be. You have been warned.

Sitting in the same room as Mom, I'm thinking about what to do with Mom's body after she passes away which, I'm told, is not far into the future.

• Dad believes that the body is a shell for the spirit and that after someone dies, their spirit no longer needs the body. He would be content to place her remains in an urn and to place the urn on the mantle above the fireplace in the family room within the house I was raised. 
• I disagree. 
• I want Mom to be laid to eternal rest which, to me, doesn't mean sitting on the mantle. If Dad happens to be out of town on a birthday or perhaps the anniversary of her death, I won't just go into his house to pray for her. The idea I have in my head is that Mom should be laid to eternal rest, which, to me, doesn't mean a temporary home - it means, to me, a permanent place. 
• It is very important to me that Mom receives after life care that follows the guidelines of the Catholic church. Mom practiced her faith until she could no longer do so - thus, I feel strongly that her faith needs to be respected.
• I want to be respectful that Mom is as much my mother as she is Dad's wife of 50+ years. I also realize that Dad began the grieving process nearly 5 years ago when Mom left their home to live in a nursing home. He has visited her on a regular basis. I know that losing her will be immensely difficult for him.
• I know I am also grieving and have been since she went into the nursing home as well. I have certainly not visited her as much as Dad. 
• I also have not been the best son to her. I made a lot of mistakes, especially in college. 
• Booze was a sensitive subject. 
• When I came back to live in their house in the summer of 1989, after my first year of college, and said on the first Saturday night I was back that I was going to go watch my friend Serbi play drums in a band at a bar, it was the beginning of a new era of our relationship. Mom disapproved of drinking booze. That's an understatement. Her brother was an alcoholic; Dad's dad was an alcoholic; she feared that I would become an alcoholic. It really freaked her out.
• It didn't get much better during the following summer when I came home to live with them and went to Ken Schmitt's wedding reception. After James, KK, JR, and I were done with our shifts at the Spring House restaurant, the four of us journeyed up from Cedar Rapids to Central City. I sat by the keg and drank like a fish. On the way home, I told JR that I thought I was going to get sick so he pulled over. As I walked into the ditch, I stumbled and went down on a knee. I had on khaki pants and so, after doing my business, I returned to JR's vehicle with muddy pants. I don't remember who helped me get to my bedroom in Mom and Dad's house. The next AM, my alarm went off at 6, I got up, showered, went to 7 AM Mass, and then to Spring House for work. Around 11, Mom called down to the Spring House. She was upset with me because she had found my muddy pants. She declared that I was grounded and that I was not to go out anymore.
• Drums and playing in a band was a sensitive subject.
• Stories about Horny Genius and Old Stew have been told elsewhere on this blog.

There are so many thoughts I have about Mom.

Splitting the Ironies into Three

1. Mom was left-handed. When her body began to betray her, it was her left hand that contracted first. Over the last few years, she had to learn to use her right hand for basic things like eating.
2. Mom was a communicator. She earned a MA in Language Arts from the University of Iowa. For 40 years, her expertise was being able to communicate. Now, when I see her, she cannot communicate. She looks at me but it's like she can't see me.
3. This is a delicate subject. This paragraph that you are now reading is the result of several drafts. It is ironic that I am the one in close proximity as Mom completes her final journey on Earth because for numerous reasons that I find no value in drudging up, I can't say that I was as close to her for a number of years.

Hospice

Sigh.

I've been spending the last few days watching the Lord take Mom to heaven. I sit by the bed and watch her breathing, looking for a change in the pattern. Sometimes, the kids, Karen, Dad, and family friends are in the room, but most of the time, I find myself wondering how to be.

I don't know when the end will come for her, but I am willing to sit by her bed and wait with her. I think about all the ironies.

Next post.

Visiting Mom

This is to document that we, as a family, went to see my mom. She has dementia and does not know me. Alex was visibly  upset as was Megan. I think Alex became upset first and that made Megan emotional. It is not easy for me to visit her. I find her to be merely a shell of who she used to be. She taught so many kids how to read - she was an educator for 40 years - and for many years, I thought I would follow in her footsteps as a teacher. That didn't happen because I hated teaching when I student taught in the fall of 1991.

In a sense, though, I do teach because I am doing my best to use Word effectively in our department and that requires educating co-workers about both paragraph styles and character styles. I do not do any teaching where I am standing in front of a classroom of people, though, so I guess 'teaching' is a loose term I use.

Long Weekend

My mother fell on Thursday. She tripped over a walker and broke her hip. I have been in the hospital visiting her Friday, Saturday, and today. Every day. I visited her. It's what family is supposed to do. And that's what I did.