I will be Slapped and the Ship will Sink

When my sister-in-law was at our house in mid-January, we played six-handed Euchre. As it usually is when we play cards, there is a lot of competitiveness at the table. No one wants to make a mistake; no one wants to be "euchered" which means points are awarded to the other team instead of your team. The way we play Euchre is to always play with the men on one team and the women on the other team. On that January day, the teams were 1) my father-in-law, 2) my brother-in-law, and 3) I. On the opposing team, it was The Women, which was 1) my favorite mother-in-law, 2) my sister-in-law, and 3) Karen. What I want to write about is what my sister-in-law said during the game after she lost a hand because I "bushed" and allowed her to name a suit of the cards as "trump" knowing that I could have done so, but didn't, because I wanted to earn more points. I knew I had a better hand than she did.

I love my sister-in-law to death. She and I get along great. She is an engineer and I like listening to the way she speaks about any subject with rigorous logic. I consider her to be one of my favorite sisters-in-law. She is competitive when we play cards. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised when she blurted out "F-ck!" when it became obvious how I had played my cards.

Yet, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law, my favorite mother-in-law, Karen and I were surprised to hear her say that word aloud. It was an emotional outburst and she was immediately embarrassed because she had said the "f" word aloud. It's not said aloud often. In fact, I've never heard my father-in-law say that word ... unless it was in the context of a joke about an old couple who went on a cruise. I've never heard my favorite mother-in-law say that word ... unless it was in the context of my father-in-law buying too many turkeys around Thanksgiving. I've never heard my brother-in-law say that word. Both Karen and I have used that word.

Still, using the "f" word is not part of my daily culture. I don't walk around, saying "F-ck!" at random times during the day, whether I'm at home or at work or some other place. Using that word is still taboo in my world. Certainly, I'm not a prude and even more certainly, you could search this blog and find the "f" word elsewhere on this blog.

I'm 50 years old which makes me old enough to remember when saying the "f" word aloud was frowned upon. I can vividly recall being in junior high when Eddie Murphy had a stand-up comedy special on HBO called "Delirious." It was a BIG deal to have seen that show because Murphy freely used the "f" word. Now, in 2020, I am writing this blog post because I saw the word being used on Buzzfeed.com within an article tease.

Which brings me to a question I want to ask. Look at the screen capture next to this paragraph and, within the screen capture, the text in the red box. I ask you in all sincerity: Do I want to live in a culture where the "f" word is used like it is "normal" to say it? I see doing so being a slippery slope. For example, when something goes wrong at work, would it ever be acceptable to exclaim, "That work was too f-cking terribly!" in a meeting with my peers? Would it ever be acceptable to hear children exclaim "That milk spilled way too f-cking fast!" when they spill a glass of milk at dinner. Would it ever be acceptable to be in a classroom and hear a student say "That got a way too f-cking terrible grade!" when being handed their work back to them? My answer is "No, I don't want to live in a culture where the "f" word is used like it is normal to say it."

Why do I feel like that? Is there something relevant in my past that relates to that Buzzfeed.com teaser text? In fact, yes, my past does have a relationship with the "f" word.

Let me tell you a true story.

In the fall of 1991 during student teaching. I was teaching Language Arts at a high school in Cedar Rapids, IA. I was a senior at Mount Mercy College (now Mount Mercy University) and I was going to graduate in May 1992 with a Bachelor's degree in English with a Secondary Education minor. I confess that I believed student teaching would be easy for me, that my students would listen to what I said and do what I said. I never considered that student teaching would be the fustercluck it ended up being. However, it started turning into a fustercluck during the first week of classes. This story begins in my second hour class, where I was teaching a sophomore-level Language Arts class. It was a core requirement class - everyone had to take the class in order to graduate.

Let me set the scene.

Imagine a classroom with 27 students. There is an open classroom window. All of a sudden, a bee flies into the room. Jayci B, who sat in the front row, started to freak out about the bee. Maybe she was allergic to bees; maybe she was scared of bees. Regardless, it caused another student, Jeremy H to react. Jeremy H sat in front of Jayci B. He turned around in his chair and angrily said in a very loud voice to Jayci B, "Would you shut the f-ck up?!?"

The classroom was silent. I felt every eye in that classroom looking at me. What was Mr. Hanson going to do because saying the "f" word in class, as Jeremy H had just done, was unacceptable behavior. I knew that and I like to think Jeremy H knew that as I wrote a hall pass for Jeremy H to go to the principal's office. It turned out that was the last time Jeremy H was in my sophomore-level Language Arts classroom. Because Jeremy H had told Jayci B to "shut the f-ck up!", Jeremy H's fate was sealed. It must have felt like his world had collapsed upon him. In context, Jeremy H was a junior who had failed sophomore Language Arts the previous year. Thus, when he said that word, Jeremy H sealed his fate of being a senior repeating sophomore Language Arts. I wish I could state that was the only noteworthy event during that semester.

But it wasn't. Whenever I think about that story and being in that situation, I am compelled to tell the story of Jack P because it directly relates to that story about Jeremy H. You see, Jack P was in that same sophomore-level Language Arts class. Jack P was a junior who, like Jeremy H, flunked sophomore Language Arts as a sophomore and now was repeating the class in my classroom. It was on a Monday when I had three handouts that the following happened. When I came to his desk with the second handout, he looked at me and said, "If you give me another handout, I'm going to slap you."

Someday, I'd like to review every single college textbook that explains what to do when you, as a student teacher, are verbally threatened by a student. I knew that the next thing I was going to do would result in being slapped by a student. I want to read about why what I did wrong in that situation in fall 1991 because there are some facts:

• I had another handout.
• I put it on Jack P's desk. 
• Jack P slapped my hand.

Did his slap hurt me? Did I say, "F-ck! That hurt!"

No, I didn't curse like my sister-in-law.


In today's day and age, would I have filed assault charges for what Jack P did to me that day? After all, what teacher should be physically assaulted by a student in the classroom?

I've played this scenario over in my head many times since the fall of 1991. I feel like maybe the next time I do, I will be able to change history in the same way I say that I like watching Titanic because I keep hoping that the ship doesn't sink when I watch it next time. I'm being sillly because yes, I know that won't happen - I will be slapped and the ship will sink. Thus, every time I see it in my head, I see myself coming around a third time to his desk and I see Jack's hand come down on mine. Like I had done when Jeremy H told Jayci B to "shut the f-ck up!", I wrote a hall pass for Jack P to go to the principal's office.

However, and this is where I wish the story would change, the same action on my part - sending the student to the office - did not yield the same result. Tom C, my cooperating teacher, did not like Jeremy H, but he liked Jack P. Because Tom C did not like Jeremy H, Jeremy H was removed from my classroom; I never taught him again. However, because Tom C did like Jack P, there was a much less extreme punishment for Jack P. For the rest of the semester, during my class, Tom C worked with Jack P in the teacher workroom next to Tom C's classroom on a daily basis. In context, what Tom C did for Jack P was a respectable gesture. Jack P had a tough life. Though I don't know why, or if I did know, I don't remember the reason now, I do remember Jack P lived with his uncle. I remember that Tom C had worked with Jack P in a program for at-risk students during the summer at a local college. What I also remember is that Tom C screwed with my classroom when he worked with Jack P to get him through the semester.

I didn't realize that until many years later how much what Tom C did during the fall of 1991 has been internalized by me. Scarred by it? I agree.

Why am I writing about events from the fall of 1991?

I blame Eric Gravlin, who was at the Pink Conference in Las Vegas, NV, during the week of February 16 - 20 (last week). Eric Gravlin and I went to the Hard Rock Cafe on the Las Vegas strip for dinner on Wednesday, February 19, 2020. We went to dinner between the end of the last conference session and the start of the Piff the Magic Dragon show. We sat in a booth, just the two of us, talking about our lives and sharing stories. I know it only happened last week, but I believe we were enjoying good food as we also were establishing what I hope is a friendship that lasts my entire life. We told stories about the events in our past that were intended to explain to each other who we are today. When the subject of college came up, I started talking about student teaching in the fall of 1991. I told these stories about Jeremy H and Jack P and Tom C to Eric to better explain how it was that I was not a teacher and, instead, I was at the Pink Conference in Las Vegas, NV. In context, Eric Gravlin is a guy from Boston, who doesn't like Metallica ("BOO!" I write now with a grin on my face), who I had never met until Monday, February 17, 2020. It was random. I saw him sitting at a table, eating breakfast and asked him if I could sit with him in the Grand Ballroom at the conference. Since that Monday morning, Eric and I had attended some of the same sessions and gone out to dinner with my co-workers during the week. And that is how, during our conversation, Eric Gravlin said the words that have been echoing in my brain ever since that conversation a week ago.


What he said was that, paraphrased, Tom C was wrong to have worked with Jack P. It doesn't matter that Tom C is deceased - he was still wrong.

I had never been told that.

Ever.

Not in the 29 years since I finished student teaching had anyone ever told me that Tom C was wrong to have worked with Jack P. It doesn't matter that Tom C is deceased - he was still wrong.

It feels like a shackle has been removed from my heart. 

I tend to to minimize the effects of my past on my present. I don't want to pretend that being slapped by Jack P in the fall of 1991 is bigger than it really is in the long and confusing story about my life. Certainly, there were many events

• that happened prior to that fall semester, such as not reading When the Legends Die prior to the start of student teaching
• that were happening during that fall semester, such as Tom C not supporting me and not allowing Jack P to seal his fate of being a senior repeating sophomore Language Arts in the same way that Tom C had sealed the fate of Jeremy H to be a senior repeating sophomore Language Arts
• that happened after that fall semester, such as being honest with myself about why I wanted to be a teacher and why I had been unsuccessful. In my final evaluation, Tom C offered me the opportunity to repeat student teaching with him, to show him I had the drive and dedication to becoming a great teacher. I never seriously considered taking him up on that offer.

Which brings me back to the present and Buzzfeed.com using the "f" word to entice me to click on their link. Writing this essay will not prevent Buzzfeed.com from using the "f" word to entice me to click on their link in the future. I realize that it is my choice to not click on that link. Unlike being able to control the fates of Jeremy H and Jack P in the fall of 1991, I can control whether buzzfeed.com's use of the "f" word achieves its desired outcome. I vow to control what I can and let go of what I cannot control.

Stupid

I remember one student in particular who, when I think about her, begins with the thought, "Shet was really dumb." I think about Kelly R. whenever someone says "dumb blonde" or tells a blonde joke.

When I encountered Kelly R, it was in the fall of 1991. She was in my 2nd hour Language Arts sophomore class. I remember my lesson was going to be about editing so I found an article with about 10 sentences published in the Sunday Cedar Rapids Gazette. I split the sentences in the story into numbered items and, as I typed them, I added spelling and grammar errors. I was really excited because editing is one of my (many) passions.

The next day, all excited about my lesson, I remember getting through our weekly spelling word list and being about to start the editing lesson. As I begin to explain what we're going to talk about and what the sheet I'm handing to them contains, Kelly R. raises her hand and says, "We did this sheet last year."

Over the last 27 years, I have thought about her sentence many times. Sometimes, I wonder if what she meant was "We [talked about editing] last year" and was trying to tell me that editing was going to be review and, ultimately, boring to her and her fellow classmates. Nonetheless, because I was a shitty student teacher, I plowed on with my lesson.

I write that I was a shitty student teacher because time has taught me something about myself. I let my passion for the things I love interfere with picking up on the reactions of other people. I have learned that about myself so now I don't talk about rock and roll with my father-in-law because he doesn't care about it - Elvis was the downfall of our society after all. I didn't always realize that about him so many times I would try to tell him about the music about which I am passionate about to, basically, someone who didn't care about what I was saying. To circle back to the graphic, I chuckle when I think about Kelly R on that morning, but I also think about what Kelly R. may have been trying to tell me. Maybe her intent was to warn me about myself and send me a message that said "Hey, you need to listen and not let your passion get in the way of our relationship." It was a failure in communication - she sent a message and while I heard her words, I didn't listen to her message. Even now, all these years later, I attempt to listen not just to Metallica or to the NEW Judas Priest tune embedded below, but to every person with whom I have contact. I think what started the revolution in my head was when I went to a weekly Bible Study at church. We were studying the Book of James and, one week, we discussed what has become my second favorite verse in the Bible:
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry
I realize there are many translations of that verse - as documented on this website - but the above is my favorite version of it. I think about it as a means to 'ground' me in the reality of my surroundings, not the false reality in my head where I can be a proficient drummer by Sunday, February 11, 3 PM, by not practicing drums. Mark, my brother-in-law, razzed me last night as I was sitting on the couch, watching TV. "Why aren't you practicing? You have to have your A game ready!" I will likely find time to practice tomorrow.

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Going the Direction You Want with an Elevator Speech

I "passed" student teaching in fall 1991 as far as I received 12 credits for the hell I went through, but sometimes I face the reality that I "failed" student teaching. I can sugarcoat the reasons for either perspective all I want - and have for decades - in my private journal, but the bottom-line remains this: I didn't teach more kids than I did teach. That means that I had the means to teach every student in every class I taught, but the number of kids I didn't connect with is greater than the number of kids I did connect with and, of course, no, I don't have numbers to put with the rabid beast living within me that makes me feel that way.

I only mention student teaching because I came upon an article about being prepared to give an elevator speech. When I read the following passage, I felt tears in my eyes:

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In my experience, the first few minutes of any class are the most crucial. And it's the first 30 seconds of those first few minutes that set the tone for your entire class. During those first 30 seconds, you as the instructor need to deliver a rock-solid, well rehearsed introduction to your class. This introduction is often referred to as an elevator speech. Never heard of an elevator speech? Think about getting on an elevator and running into a person that you've been dying to work for your entire adult life. That person engages you in a conversation and asks you what you can do to help their company. There it is... the job of your dreams. If you say the right thing now, the job is yours. Ramble on, stammer... fail to establish credibility and you're done. You've got 30 seconds before the elevator ride is over. By that time, your future boss needs to know everything they need to know to hire you. Ready? Set? Go... When you're teaching a class, those first few moments are your time to shine, to establish yourself as the authority. You are telling your students not just who you are, but why they should listen to you... why they should want to learn from you.

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I didn't have an elevator speech. I rambled on, I stammered, I failed to establish credibility, and yes, essentially, I was done.
Read more here: The Elevator Speech: Possibly the Most Important 30 Seconds of Any Class

Spouting Off Outrage

Great. Advice from people who have never dealt directly with discipline in the classroom spouting off outrage. This part of the article chaps my ass:

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At Roosevelt High, freshman Shaddai Johnson said teens routinely are kicked out of class for minor offenses such as refusing to take out ear buds or using their cellphones — an approach district leaders want to stop. ... To combat that, teachers are being encouraged to build relationships with students and find teachable moments where behaviors can be addressed without students leaving the room, officials said.

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Who decides whether an offense is minor? I disagree with any answer other than "the teacher in their classroom." A major problem with the society I live in - that everyone lives in - is that everyone thinks they are able to make the rules. That's wrong.

And I've been in the classroom on a daily basis when I was a student teacher in 1991. Yes, that was 25 years ago and I'm sure a lot has changed. Yet, I am pretty sure that in every grade in every high school there are kids who will slap a teacher, who will tell another student to "fuck off" and who will just not connect with the teacher. As I reflect upon this article and my experience, I want to say I am glad I never pursued teaching. I do not regret going down a different career path (technical writer) and I have never regretted it in the last 25 years.

Not once.

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Read the rest below or online here

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Des Moines school discipline reform stirs backlash

Mackenzie Ryan , mryan@dmreg.com 9:38 a.m. CST November 27, 2016

Alarmed that too many minority students are getting kicked out of class, Des Moines school leaders are changing the district's use of discipline to sharply reduce suspensions and eliminate expulsions.

Civil rights leaders and some educators applaud the move, noting that black and Hispanic students have been removed from class at far greater rates than white students and saying they're being hurt academically because of it.

But a rising chorus of parents and teachers complain that Des Moines' new policy escalates disruptive behavior in classrooms, at times creating unmanageable situations that hurt the learning of other students.

Students scream, threaten, shove and hit teachers or other students, with little consequence, students, parents and union leaders told the Register. Frustration has increased in some schools to the point that teachers have left for new jobs.

"There's some really incredible examples," said Andrew Rasmussen, president of the Des Moines teachers' union. “That's the struggle. Where's the middle ground?"

District leaders said allowing classroom disruption was never the intention, nor the approach they laid out. They contend a new disciplinary approach was needed, even as they acknowledge rising frustration over classroom discord.

"The line we are drawing in the sand is, unless it's for safety and security, removing students from class does not diminish problem behavior," said Jake Troja, the district's director of school climate transformation. “Sometimes it works out well, and sometimes it gets messy. That’s currently where we are at.”

Across the country, student suspensions and expulsions and the role they play in the so-called "school-to-prison" pipeline have gained increased attention. No less than President Barack Obama has called for changes in school discipline.

Des Moines, with more than 30,000 students and 5,000 teachers, responded to the issue, and suspension rates have dropped dramatically.

In-school suspensions are now less than half of what they once were: In 2014-15, Des Moines issued 1,689 in-school suspensions, compared with 4,102 five years earlier, according to the most recent Iowa Department of Education data.
Out-of-school suspensions also fell, with 3,019 in 2014-15, compared with 5,420 five years before.
In addition, no students were expelled in 2014-15, thanks to the district's new alternative program at Scavo High. Six students were expelled five years before.

But teachers have complained about feeling pressured or unsupported in their classrooms. And administrators acknowledge that a few schools have under-reported infractions committed by black students that warrant administrator intervention, such as profanity and repeated classroom disturbances.

“Quite frankly, it manifested itself as, ‘I’ll just stop writing referrals,'" Matt Smith, the district's chief schools officer, told the school board in September during a report about minority male students. "It doesn’t change the behavior. It doesn’t change the mindset. It just masks the data.”

Kaitlin Burgess says she asks her 9-year-old son each afternoon about his day at Monroe Elementary, and hears a litany of classroom disruptions by a student who screams, throws pencils, kicks and hits.

It's bad enough that the rest of the class has had to leave mid-way through lessons or tests, she said.

"His teacher's hands are completely tied," Burgess said. "She can't do anything because it looks like she'll be discriminating" against a minority student.

"He's been hit twice," she said of her son. "I can't really say how safe it is."
Disparities along racial lines

For years, the standard practice for teachers was to kick misbehaving students out of the classroom, sending them to the office or home. Students who had been suspended once often were suspended several times.

District leaders said that approach did little to correct poor behavior or address underlying issues, and it put those students even further behind academically.

The imbalance was especially prevalent among black students, who were disciplined more often than their white or Hispanic peers.

During the 2015-16 school year, black students received 36,842 disciplinary referrals in Des Moines public schools, ranging from Level I referrals, which are minor infractions, to the most serious Level III or Level IV, when suspension or expulsion is possible. Black students accounted for 41 percent of all disciplinary referrals, yet make up only 18.3 percent of district enrollment.
By comparison, white students received 27,380 disciplinary referrals last year, 31 percent of the district total. White students make up 41.9 percent of enrollment.
Hispanic students received 15,103 disciplinary referrals during the 2015-16 school year, 17 percent of the district total. Hispanic students make up 24.8 percent total enrollment.

“No one can be proud of where we are at,” said Des Moines School Board member Rob Barron. “But I’m hopeful about where we are going.”
Alisha Sinclair's kindergarten class at Edmunds AcademyBuy Photo

Alisha Sinclair's kindergarten class at Edmunds Academy in Des Moines practices yoga at the beginning of the school day, Oct. 13, 2016. Here, Sumaya Gaas practices a pose. (Photo: Rodney White/The Register)
Keeping students in class

Discipline can vary widely across the district, students say.

At Roosevelt High, freshman Shaddai Johnson said teens routinely are kicked out of class for minor offenses such as refusing to take out ear buds or using their cellphones — an approach district leaders want to stop.

“I’ve seen kids go into the classroom and purposely get on the teacher's nerve" so they can get thrown out, she said. Sometimes, the students are told to regroup and come back, but they never return, she said.

“They’re almost like: 'OK, I don’t really care, I don’t want to do the work,'" Johnson said. “They’re sent to a place where they can hang out and chill.”

To combat that, teachers are being encouraged to build relationships with students and find teachable moments where behaviors can be addressed without students leaving the room, officials said.

“We can’t eradicate the achievement gap without eradicating the disproportionate time spent out of class,” Superintendent Tom Ahart said.

But there's often resistance. Teacher Megan Austin recalled one teen who asked her, on the second day of class at Brody Middle School, how quickly she would call in a specialist to deal with student behavior.

Every day, it seemed, the student and teacher fought over the girl's cellphone use. But Austin consciously chose not to kick the student out of class so she wouldn't get behind academically.

"It wasn't always easy," she said. "But she was in my class every day."

In some instances, it's the teacher or principal who is changing.

Principal Thomas Hoffman recalls his first day at Brody Middle School, when a student leaned over a stairwell and spit, hitting Hoffman squarely.

Since spitting is considered assault, he could have taken a harsh approach. Instead, Hoffman decided to hang mirrors on the walls so students who misbehave couldn't disappear undetected.

"I'm not a judge, I'm not a jury," Hoffman said. "We teach reading, we teach math and writing, and more and more we are charged with teaching kids how to act."

Adding yoga for calming

Schools are looking closely at what they can do to prevent children or teens from acting out.

In a fourth-grade classroom at Edmunds Elementary, for example, students were refusing to do work and walking out of class.

Staff kept track of the disciplinary referrals and noticed children slowing down and peering inside as they walked past the school’s cafeteria. They determined that the students, many from low-income homes, might not have eaten the night before.

Though they received breakfast at school, lunch wasn't served until 12:30 p.m.

Once the class switched the students' afternoon snack to morning, bad behavior subsided.

"Behavior is a form of communication," said Laura Stanbraugh, a behavior strategist at the school. "What can we do to help?"

Edmunds has seen dramatic results, lowering Level II referrals from 1,195 in 2012-13 to just 303 last year. Suspensions have been virtually eliminated, Principal Jaynette Rittman said.

The school credits an intentional approach, from changing where students line up for recess to twice-daily yoga to help students learn to control their emotions.

Each morning, teachers lead classes through a few stretches — arms overhead, then touching their toes — along with breathing techniques. Each yoga lesson includes a discussion on well-being, such as feeling content or having a positive attitude.

Fourth-grader Libby Latimore likes to imagine herself alone in a quiet space, away from the noise of school or home.

The deep breaths help, especially after being angry. "It helps you forget about it for school," she said. "I calm myself down before I explode."

Teachers get more training

In an attempt to encourage more accurate reporting of behavioral incidents, the district reframed one of its stated goals this school year, said Troja, the director of school climate transformation.

Instead of aiming for a reduction in Level II referrals, which call for an administrator to intervene, the district is focusing on achieving a certain percentage of students who behave appropriately.

"What’s important is that we write it down,” he said, which can help schools spot trends and work toward solutions.

Ahart said increases in classroom misbehavior aren't unique to Des Moines. Other superintendents he's spoken to have noticed it, too.

"We're certainly not immune to increases in challenges, as our poverty rate goes up," he said.

He believes that increased training for teachers will help them understand and deal with cultural differences that might be misinterpreted as disrespectful or aggressive behavior, particularly with black male students.

Des Moines has a five-year, $7 million contract with Learning Sciences International that includes coaching, training, on-site consultation and a student tracking system.

"People are much more cognizant now than a couple years ago about how they're responding," Ahart said of implicit biases that can affect minority children. "Certainly, I would anticipate that there's some second-guessing going on" by teachers.

Others, however, say training alone won't be enough. Gaines, the Iowa lawmaker, said teachers who are unwilling to adjust their "discipline first" approach should not be in the classroom.

"It's a new day and a new age," she said. "Teachers who can't deal with it need to quit."

At-risk students are prone to acting out, and some teachers can be too quick to let them "off the hook," said Trent Grundmeyer, an education professor at Drake University. Those students "pretend they don't want the attention," he said.

He recently visited Mitchellville inmates who attended Iowa schools and expressed regret that teachers let them slide.

“The clear advice from the prisoners was: ‘You’ve got to keep trying, because you can show you care,'" he said. “Without any waver, they said: ‘They need to persevere.’”

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Blitzing the Inbox

Megan keeps getting emails from colleges that, apparently, want her to attend *their* college. Some of the techniques used by the college's Admissions department are well-thought out. One shows a graduation class on a raft and talks about their on-campus beach and a 97% graduation rate. I commend the college for creativity. Megan actually intends to attend UNI next year in pursuit of a degree in elementary education.

It is sometimes difficult for me, as a graduate of Mount Mercy College with a minor in Secondary Education, to encourage her. I still have that awful shitty student teaching experience taste in my mouth and even though it was during the fall of 1991 and so much has happened to me since then that has been positive in my life, I find myself suppressing an "all in" attitude. This is my issue and I need to get over it. I realize that teaching is in the blood as Mom was a teacher for 40 years and for many years, I wanted to fill the empty voids of young minds with grand ideas about literature and writing. Student teaching destroyed me in so many ways and, I guess, now that I consider myself rebuilt into a technical writer, I don't have the will to rip the wounds open that have mercifully healed over the last 23 years.

Again, though, this is my issue. I pray for Megan's success as a teacher and I believe she will do awesome.

Significant Anniversaries

• On this date in 1997, dailyvault.com published my first review. It is Sammy Hagar's "Marching to Mars" http://dailyvault.com/toc.php5?review=261.Wow, I sucked as a writer! <grin>
• On this date in 1991, I had the worst day of my life as a student teacher. My supervisor was there to watch me teach a group of 10th graders very poorly. They were the thorn in my a$$ and I was an ineffective teacher. I was a rug and they sucked the joy of teaching out of me. That afternoon, at our weekly 'status' meeting, I remember I moved my chair and my supervisor took it as a personal insult and, after everyone left, she lit into me verbally. She leveled me like a wrecking ball on a building and I crumbled in front of her eyes. I started crying after it was over. I remember I sat on the hill on the Mount Mercy College campus that is now apartments, and I cried. I said, "God, if you're there, why are you doing this to me? Why are you making me feel this way?" I questioned every thing in my life, ranging from "Why do you want to be a teacher?" through "Why am I even here?" 

I think it's good to recognize anniversaries that are of negative things because it makes the good things in life that much better. Tonight, the plan is to go with Kevin to the Metallica "Through the Never" movie in Cedar Rapids @ 7:30.

Visiting Mom

This is to document that we, as a family, went to see my mom. She has dementia and does not know me. Alex was visibly  upset as was Megan. I think Alex became upset first and that made Megan emotional. It is not easy for me to visit her. I find her to be merely a shell of who she used to be. She taught so many kids how to read - she was an educator for 40 years - and for many years, I thought I would follow in her footsteps as a teacher. That didn't happen because I hated teaching when I student taught in the fall of 1991.

In a sense, though, I do teach because I am doing my best to use Word effectively in our department and that requires educating co-workers about both paragraph styles and character styles. I do not do any teaching where I am standing in front of a classroom of people, though, so I guess 'teaching' is a loose term I use.