My Newborn Son's Name is . . .

In an alternate reality, I didn't go to Mount Mercy College in the fall of 1988. Instead, I went to the University of Iowa. I would still be Catholic and go to the Newman Center. I would live in an apartment above Gabes and immerse myself into the Iowa City music scene. I would learn to love Slayer almost immediately so that when Megadeth / Slayer / Anthrax / Alice in Chains played the US Cellular Center in Cedar Rapids in summer 1991, I would be there, thrashing around in the mosh pit. I would have hair down to my ass because playing drums in countless bands would barely cover my rent. Then, someday, I would find a woman and have a son. We would name him Slayer because in that alternate reality, I would be the idiot described in the following tweet:

Try not to giggle when imagining the wedding vows for that alternate reality son because you know with a name like Slayer he would have to be the most-Christian man alive to combat the blatant non-Christian values proclaimed by the band. Hearing "I Slayer take you ... to be my wife..." in a Catholic church? Awesome sauce!