How to Properly Hate on Metallica

Here’s the Unofficial “How to Properly Hate On Metallica” Guide (only handling the most major release material; and btw I’ve lived through most of these; all in good fun here, kids):

• (1983) THIS IS THE GREATEST HEAVY METAL BAND ON THE PLANET (beware, it goes all downhill from here!)
• (1984) RTL has acoustic guitars? “Sell outs. Pop act. Also, Dave Mustaine wrote both these albums anyway.”
• (1986) Cliff dies. “Metallica will never be Metallica again as far as I’m concerned.”
• (also 1986-2000) “But Jason uses a pick.”
• (1991) Black album. “They slowed down. Commercialized sellouts. The only REAL Metallica is the first 4 albums.”
• (1993) Jason (the “last REAL metal guy left in Metallica” 😂) cuts hair. “Sellout.”
• (1993) Live Sh*t Box. (In unison) “THIS is the greatest live set EVER!”
• (1996-1997) Load/Reload era. They ALL cut their hair, change style, clothes, etc. “Metallica! Where are you?”
• (1999) “Metallica with a symphony? I’ll never listen to that. It’s over.”
• (2000) “They’re suing Napster? Obviously they’re just power and money-hungry.”
• (2001) James goes to rehab. “What a loser. Now it’s really over for real.”
• (2003) St Anger. “Bob Rock on bass? And what’s with that SNARE?”
• (2004) SKoM. “Holy crap they paid a guy $40k/mo for therapy??? What a bunch of losers. Jason was right.”
• (2008) “Rob’s good, and he doesn’t use a pick (just like Cliff! Wow, huge props for some reason), but sadly, he’s no Jason onstage. And that crab walk. What’s up with that? They’ll never be the same. And why did they wait so long to make this record?”
• (2011) Lulu? (in unison) “What are they DOING?”
• (2013) Through the Never. “We. Want. Album!”
• (2016) “8 years for another record? It’s okay, But it’s no AJFA. Thank God Slayer still puts out albums that all sound the same. Also, I’m still not a fan of the crab walk.”
• HTSD tour. “I just don’t like that Kirk/Rob doodle. And Lars doesn’t use double-kick as much anymore.”
• (2020-2021) “When are they going to put out another album? Eh, who cares? The only real Metallica is the first 5 albums. Or wait. Maybe it was the first 4? I’ll have to check with my buddies when they get back from the Megadeth show. Dave Mustaine is the only real member of Metallica anyway.”

Yet, for some strange reason, they keep selling out every venue no matter what size all over the world.