Update from EE

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Hey there,

I used to be more regular in writing stuff like this. But I don't anymore because it gets people worrying. They don't need to and there's no need to call. I write this because I have found it to be helpful for others to know they are not alone in what they're going through. That said, I want to make sure you saw what I wrote this morning at The Resurgent. Here goes:

I have been in a depressed state for some time. Honestly, it hit some time this past spring as I was ferrying my wife to an emergency room for the third straight day. She’s fine. But it dawned on me that I was not. She’s in the ER with the flu and lung cancer, but testing negative for the flu all the same, and the doctors are freaked out. The cancer is not the problem, but these are not her normal doctors. And I’m trying to find a cell signal to check in on the news.

She was fine. I was not. I’ve become deeply unable to unplug and my stress levels have been rising. I was planning a conference with the Vice President. I was launching a new radio show. I was maintaining a current radio show. I was trying to fundraise to finish paying off the conference and fundraise to start the new radio show. I couldn’t unplug.
I don’t know when it happened. It’s like the first gray hair. One day you’re standing, staring in the mirror. You’re fatter than you were. You’re older than you were. And there it is. That gray hair that had not been there before. At least I have hair.

Then more comes. In the same way, you wake up a bit haggard with a head swimming full of agenda items and stare at yourself in the mirror and see the boss staring back at you. How the hell did this happen? Instead of turning to your left to ask the man in charge what to do, you’re the man in charge and everyone to the right of you is looking for what to do. Damned if I know what to do.

I just want to sit at the keyboard and write. I want to turn on the microphone and talk. Suddenly I’ve got all this other stuff and I’m the man in charge. I’m that gray hair and I plucked that gray hair the first time I saw it. Damn.
I don’t have a real business sense. I write. I talk. I can balance a checkbook and pay a bill. But I hate it. As I’ve been drawn in more and more to starting a show, running a show, running a site, managing a family, and caring for others I at some point realized I was pretty isolated.

I, and oh my gosh all these paragraphs keep starting with I, I used to be in a Bible Study. We called ourselves the Dead Theologians Society. We only read dead theologians lest one of them wind up like Rob Bell. Dead guys can’t become heretics. Their only evolution is into dust. The Bible Study wound down. Friends moved away. That just freed up more time for me to be in the office. Conversations with friends became work conversations. Life conversations did not much happen. If not work conversations, they were political conversations. So I cooked. I got fatter. But I grilled, smoked, baked, fried, and otherwise spent mind-numbing amounts of time in the kitchen exhausting myself because otherwise, the siren call of the home office would find me drawn in. Work is my comfort zone.

Until this year, at least I had seminary. But independent study for a Ph.D. while launching a conference and a new show proved too much. A classroom, at least, provided a few hours of distraction from the outside world. I loved it, but couldn’t afford to keep going to RTS with debts, medical bills, show costs, etc.

Having gotten through the conference in August, I took one week off then launched a new radio show. I am self-syndicating. I am my own affiliate relations, ad sales department, and funder. I now talk for five hours every weekday on the radio. Every penny to pay all the costs comes from what I have in the bank to run this site or out of my own pocket. That’s why it was no easy call to cancel our conference.

But that actually gets me to where this rambling preamble is going. I know there are those who think there must be some ulterior motive or hidden reason for canceling the conference and if there is, it is this — I don’t know that I know what the hell I’m doing anymore, but I know I don’t want to take other people’s money and shill for something or promote something just to get a conference going. Put more bluntly, I didn’t want a Trump rally and that’s what it would have had to become to make it financially work next year. I can’t do it.

See, here’s what I’m realizing — I don’t have all the answers and I’m not sure I have a lot of confidence in the answers and abilities I do have these days, but I know I don’t want to be entangled to a lot of other interests that might restrict me from being able to say what I think when I think I get to the answer. I get all sorts of people around me trying to sell me stuff and make money off me and I don’t know that I’m the guy to make myself rich, let alone other people. I just want to write and talk into a microphone and make sure other people know they aren’t alone.

I just don’t have all the answers people seem to think I do and we’re at peak paranoia where any deviation from tribal orthodoxy is met with suspicion and presumption that there must be something more there. The reality is I hate all the tribes these days. They are all run by a bunch of dimwits who just want power or to be adjacent to power. They’ve got no ideas, few principles left, and rely on a bunch of bullies on social media to keep everyone else in line. To hell with that. I don’t have enough time in the day to be that devoid of independent thought and have no desire to have people I disagree with shut up, censored, taken off TV, or hounded off Twitter by a mob.
As an aside, it is really just garbage to have a bunch of friends hate each other online these days so much that you’d prefer to have nothing to do with any of them lest you get dragged into middle school drama. If I wasn’t isolated enough before, this makes me kind of glad to be in Middle Georgia away from pretty much everyone I know outside of my immediate family.

I’m watching this impeachment stuff play out and I have a lot of friends screaming the President needs to be impeached, there is an impeachable quid pro quo, and the whistleblower needs to be protected. And they’re screaming at friends of mine.

I have a lot of friends who think this is a witch hunt, the President should not be impeached, there is no quid pro quo, and the whistleblower needs to be destroyed. And they’re screaming at friends of mine.

I’m processing it like everyone else. I don’t have all the answers. I think there probably was a quid pro quo, the whistleblower should be public, and the President probably needs to face the voters over this and not a bunch of Democrats who’ve wanted him gone since day one, especially since the election is less than a year away and half the Democrats would vote to impeach the President if he cured cancer because of the economic impact on oncology research.

I also know a whole lot of people will switch positions when the next Democrat becomes President because all this “rule of law” talk is really about hating the guy who was not supposed to win and Bob Mueller didn’t offer up the silver bullet they were expecting. On top of that, there’ll be plenty of Democrats who excuse the exact same sort of behavior, deny it is the same behavior, and tell the rest of us we have no right to say anything because we didn’t with Trump. It will be nonsense, but the media will eat it all up.

Here’s what else I know…read the rest.

All the best,
Erick Erickson

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